


Now, Voyager

by The_Laughing_Duchess



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-11
Updated: 2014-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-08 09:49:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Laughing_Duchess/pseuds/The_Laughing_Duchess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The kid was still his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Return of the King

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through season 2. Sort of an AU season 3.   
> Parts 1-3 are R for language, but part 4 is definitely NC-17.  
> My thanks to LJ User, desdema.
> 
> _The untold want, by life and land ne’er granted,_  
>  Now, Voyager, sail thou forth, to seek and find.  
> ~Walt Whitman  
> 

Brian watched as Justin walked up to the bar, smile plastered across his face, body casual, as if this were an everyday event. As if it hadn’t been months since his last visit to Babylon.

Emmett was perched at the end of the bar, pieces of the feather boa draped around his neck drifting all around him as he sipped a cosmo and laughed at something Michael must have said. Ted stood off to the side of their little group, his eyes hazy, his skin beading with sweat. Brian knew that look. It seemed to him that good old Theodore had gone down the rabbit hole. He wondered, briefly, if Emmett knew how far gone his boyfriend was. He probably did, Emmett was smarter than most people gave him credit for. Brian was not most people though, and felt a pang of something like sympathy crawl under his skin. He liked Emmett and tough times were certainly ahead of the man, but that was Emmett’s problem to deal with on another day. Tonight they were supposed to be celebrating.

Ben had written an article on steroids and HIV that some publisher’s assistant had read which had led to an advance for a book that would be written by the end of the year. Brian just hoped that somewhere in the fucking thing there would be an apology for the scar that now ran across his shoulder. He deserved it.

Lifting the remains of his beer to his lips, his eyes followed the scene that was playing out before him. Justin had come up to Emmett first and with all the squealing going on, they could be mistaken for two little girls seeing each other after a summer apart. Ted came up behind them, like a corpse reaching out from the grave. He patted Justin on the shoulder as a hello but didn’t speak or smile, Brian noticed. Justin didn’t seem to though; he was already offering congratulations up to Ben. The boy just couldn’t fucking stop with the gushing, how amazing Ben was, how incredibly brave he was to just put it all out there for the whole world to learn from, some bullshit about Ben being a true hero. He was laying it on so thick that Michael was even smiling at Justin. It was nauseating.

Brian wondered where the boyfriend was as he pushed away from the bar and started scanning the crowd. He felt Justin’s hand land on his forearm before he heard the words.

“Hey Brian.”

“Hey.”

He looked down at the kid for a moment, and it was already too much. He took one step and then another before throwing a look over his shoulder and saying, “Later.”

He didn’t wait for a reply.  
_________

The backroom was a bust. He had scored a half a tab of E but there hadn’t been anyone worth fucking. He slowly made his way back to the bar, coming up behind Michael and wrapping his arms tightly around his best friend’s body.

“Wanna dance?” He asked, his arms loosening slightly, his body relaxing and becoming more alive all at the same time. Without waiting he turned back into the throng of people, knowing that Mikey would follow him.

They danced for hours, or maybe just 15 minutes, Brian wasn’t really sure. But suddenly Ben was there, whispering into Mikey’s ear, pulling him away and taking him home to tuck into bed.

Brian was alone again.

He scanned the crowd wondering if everyone had gone. Emmett and Ted were no longer at the bar. Brian figured that Emmett had probably wanted Ted away from all of them before he started to shake with need. Smart man.

That only left one person unaccounted for, and that person was the one that Brian absolutely needed to know the whereabouts of. His eyes jumped around the room for a few moments, the lights catching his attention every once in a while and distracting him. He couldn’t seem to find Justin. Perhaps he had gone home too.

Satisfied, Brian went back to dancing. It was then that, like a bad penny, Justin turned up.

He was dancing with two other guys, his eyes shut tight and his body moving like liquid between them. The lights reflected off his hair and his skin was glowing as if there were small lights under its surface.

Brian thought he had to be pretty high to think that.

He moved without thinking, pressing through the slick bodies around him until Justin was close enough to touch. He reached out and pulled on Justin’s hand, drawing him over until they were face to face, their bodies moving together as if this were normal. As if now was still then.

“Hey Brian.”

Blue eyes looked up at him, no questions and no fears. They were shining in the lights.

“Hey.”

Justin looked happy, he thought. Justin is happy.

It was a little upsetting.

He wrapped his arms around Justin’s neck, his fingers toying with the longer hair he now had.

“Your hair got long,” he mumbled into the side of Justin’s head.

Justin pulled back, cupping his ear, while asking, “What?”

Brian shook his head to say it didn’t matter and pulled the boy back against him, his fingers returning to their new favorite pastime.

The music was thumping loudly and the floor sent vibrations up Brian’s legs, until they felt moderately numb, like a gentle case of pins and needles was starting up behind his knees. The lights swirled through the darkened space, blues and reds spinning over walls and tops of heads. The air was full of sweat and felt heavy in Brian’s lungs. It was hot, his pants were damp with sweat, his shirt was soaked through, and beads of perspiration were running down his arms and face. His fingers were wet from the sweat running through the under-layers of Justin’s hair. He wanted to lick them.

He watched as the other side of the room was engulfed by a slowly drifting fog. The sharp, cold mist was being released from above, providing relief to the dancing men below. Many of them reached their arms up as if they could embrace it.

The music started to blend into a new song and Brian lost the beat he had been trying to follow. Pulling Justin closer, his hands ran down Justin’s sides until they rested on his hips, his body attempting to absorb this new rhythm from the movements of his partner. Eying Justin, he saw amusement creeping into the other man’s features and started to pull away. Justin’s hands reached out and gently brought him back. He pressed his mouth up against Brian’s ear and said, “Just follow me.”

Who was Brian to refuse?

He relaxed into the sway of Justin’s body, one leg pressed between the younger man’s, his hands tracing familiar paths over a back that used to press against his chest in sleep. His head nuzzled into Justin’s, foreheads pressing together, breath flowing out of one mouth and into the other. Justin’s breath was tinged with tequila, and Brian wanted nothing more than to taste him.

He didn’t though.

Justin was breathing heavily, his mouth slightly parted, his eyes resting on Brian’s lips; the fingers of his left hand were feather light against the back of Brian’s neck, while the others were busy tracing patterns over Brian’s heart. It was too much and not enough. That had always been their problem.

Brian felt pain and elation flowing through his body. It had been so long since they had really touched. His senses were on overdrive, the E recording every movement onto his skin like a razor cutting lines. He could feel everything but wanted to feel more than he was allowed to.

The two men were wrapped around each other tightly, but Brian kept pressing closer, as if it were truly possible he could merge them into one. Every gap and space that appeared was mocking in his mind, he wanted to absorb Justin and the E made him think it was just within reach.

When Justin pulled away, it felt like the front half of his body was sliced off. The air came rushing in and he thought he felt thousands of needles pricking at his insides. He reached for Justin, not ready to let him go.

Justin stood before him, arms raised above his head. He was staring up with an expression of rapture. It stopped Brian in his tracks. He had forgotten that people could look like that. He had forgotten that Justin often did.

He took a step forward, reaching out to take back what was rightfully his, and Justin returned to him easily.

“It feels good, doesn’t it?” Justin called out.

Brian was caught by the question. Should he admit it, should he let the kid in on one more secret?

Before Brian had decided, Justin spoke again. “Is this new? I don’t remember them having it?”

Brian was confused until he looked up and saw that the fog was being released above them. Justin was talking about the coolness of the fucking fog.

Maybe it was time to go home.

But then Justin was pulling him close again and Brian noticed the fog drifting into all of the places they couldn’t physically fill. They were cocooned by it, alone in their space, only shadows remaining of the people dancing around them.

Brian ran his hands down Justin’s back until they lightly rested on that perfect ass. He pushed Justin into him, pressing the man against his erection. He wanted Justin to know what he was feeling, it would be okay for him to know here. He was surprised when Justin lightly rotated his hips against him, letting Brian feel how hard he had also become. Brian reached up for Justin’s face, cradling him in his hands. He pressed his cheek to the side of Justin’s head and suddenly remembered the last time he had held him like that. The words he had spoken ran through his mind in a whisper, It’s your call where you want to be…At the time he had been proud not to have said what he wanted. His defenses had been in full swing, he had controlled himself beautifully. The same could not be said of him right now.

At that moment, if Justin had asked, Brian might have told him anything.

But Justin wasn’t in a talking mood. And neither was Brian.

Inhaling deeply, he pulled his head back and looked at Justin, really looked. He saw the flush of his face, the lazy arousal in his eyes, the perfect mouth lightly rounded as if a moan was somewhere nearby. He swept his thumb across those lips and believed.

He could do this. He could take him home tonight.

Would it be any different this time? He didn’t really fucking care.

Leaning in, he pressed his lips to Justin’s forehead. He waited for Justin to tell him to stop, but Justin’s head just tilted slightly up, his nose trailing up Brian’s neck before it nuzzled underneath his jaw.

Brian traced the tip of his nose down until it brushed against Justin’s. For a moment they stood there, breathing together, anticipation building like a thunderstorm. Brian felt the need surging inside him, painful in its intensity. He had never wanted something so badly in his life.

So he took it.

Their mouths were tentative at first, open lips brushing hello. Brian pulled Justin’s lower lip into his mouth, sucking on it before letting it slide out and away. He was in no hurry but Justin ran his hand behind Brian’s neck and urged him onwards. Their lips came together, and Justin’s tongue slid into Brian’s mouth and made itself at home.

The kiss started with a casual passion; no one watching would have guessed it had been six months since their last one. It didn’t stay that way for long.

Brian’s arms began wrapping around the younger man, his hands pulling the hem of Justin’s shirt up, until they were running over bare skin. He pressed his fingers into flesh, leaving trail marks wherever they traveled. Justin was clutching Brian’s head with his hands, grabbing small fistfuls of hair, not letting him pull away. Their mouths were open to each other, tongues running in and out, slipping around teeth and gums, toying and tasting what they had lost. When Brian felt his teeth knocking into Justin’s, he pressed harder. He just needed more.

Brian hadn’t kissed anyone since Justin had left him. Now he remembered why.

His fingers lightened on Justin’s back and he used his fingernails to draw wide circles down his back, just the way the boy had always liked him to. He felt shivers running through the blond’s body, and when Brian ran his nails up Justin’s sides, he felt the man laugh into his mouth. Justin’s hands slowly released their grip, allowing Brian’s head to move more freely. He started running them over and under Brian’s shoulders, down his chest, around his back. They traveled everywhere, relearning their way around a familiar landscape.

When they finally broke the kiss, the fog had lifted. Resting their foreheads together they tried to catch their breath. Justin’s hands rubbed Brian’s back reassuringly as Brian’s fingers tangled in blond hair.

“Come home with me.” Brian said into the young man’s ear.

Justin’s breath caught and his hand stilled.

Brian’s tongue ran along the outer rim of his ear before continuing, “I wanna fuck you all night.”

Justin’s arms slowly released the man and he stepped back.

“I can’t.”

Brian felt a jolt of anger run through him as he took a small step back. Looking up at Justin, he slowly nodded. It wasn’t his call.

“I’m sorry,” Justin said quietly, forcing Brian to rely on his lip reading abilities.

“Sorry’s bullshit,” he responded, enunciating clearly so Justin wouldn’t miss it.

They stood there for a moment longer. Unsure of what to do or say, they continued to hold firm against the bodies moving around them.

Brian was the first to move, he just wanted to leave. He would find some trick, pound the shit out of him, and then go home. He took another step back.

“See you around Sunshine.”

The last thing Brian saw on Justin’s face before he turned and walked away was regret.

Brian smiled to himself. The kid was still his.


	2. Nostalgia

Justin loved the smell of rain and the way the wet sidewalks sometimes glittered in the night as if there were diamonds mixed in with the cement. He loved dancing, loud music, and the feel of sweat running between his shoulder blades. He loved the lights of Babylon and that first blast of cool air that hit you when you walked out of the club after a night of excess. He loved the way it shocked him into focus, marking the end of the fantasy and the return to the real world, clearing his head and chilling the heat off his skin.

And he loved Brian. No matter how much he didn't want to.

It was a shitty thing to know that you'd made a huge mistake, but it was even shittier to realize you don’t know how to fix it.

When he arrived back at Ethan’s, everything felt too small and too low. The dust in the air was thicker somehow, and the hum of the light fixtures buzzed in his ears, setting his teeth on edge.

“How was the club?” Ethan asked, his eyes on the television screen.

“Fine. You should have come,” he said without thinking.

“He wasn’t there?”

“No… he was. But it was fine. You should have come.”

Ethan turned then, looking at Justin, and nodded, “Maybe next time.”

For a moment they just looked at each other, and Justin began panicking, thinking Ethan knew.

“I missed you tonight,” he said, stomach flipping with the lie. He felt the alcohol in his belly roll around, waves of nausea beginning to spread, bile pushing its way up and he moved his eyes towards the bathroom.

“Me too,” Ethan said, turning back to the TV.

Justin felt the need to take a shower.

Under the heated spray, he told himself it would pass, that this renewed want for Brian he was feeling was nostalgic, and not real. He thought that maybe in the morning he would roll over and see Ethan’s face and feel that he was where he belonged.

Instead, when he woke up the next morning, the bed was empty.

Ethan had gone, he seemed to have rehearsals all the time now, and on his pillow he had left a daisy and a note that simply said, “See you tonight. I love you.”

Justin hated him for it. He rolled away from the flower as if it were poisonous. Swinging his legs down to the floor he lightly moaned as he got up. On the chair by the sofa he could see a pair of khakis that weren’t too wrinkled, a t-shirt that wasn’t noticeably dirty, and a pale blue fleece hoodie that he wore more often than a gay man should. He slipped them on even as he tried to recall if he had been wearing this outfit yesterday, before he’d changed for Babylon.

Before they had touched again.

He put the clothes on wishing he could put on who he had been yesterday morning as well. He returned to the bed cautiously, reaching his hand out to run a finger over the flower petals, but stopped. He couldn’t bring himself to touch it. He couldn’t bring himself to stay in that room with that note for a minute more. He left for his shift at the diner.  
_____________

It was busy when he walked in. Deb was shouting at someone about something and Brian was sitting in the back. When their eyes met, the world slowed down for Justin. He couldn’t hear the silverware banging against the plates, he couldn’t feel the people jostling into him as they came and went from the counter and their tables, Deb’s voice sounded warbled, like one of them was underwater.

Brian looked good.

“Justin! Get your fuckin’ apron on. Let’s go. You’re late.” Deb shouted to him as she poured coffee into Brian’s cup. Snapping out of his haze, he realized that Ben and Michael were sitting across from Brian, and Michael was looking over his shoulder at Justin and smiling. Or smirking. With Michael it was sometimes hard to tell.

Mumbling an apology he moved behind the counter and went to work.

He took orders and scrubbed table tops, served food and coffee and water and all that shit that he did everyday. But today Brian was watching him, watching him in a way he hadn’t for months. Justin could feel those eyes sliding over his body; he could feel their intent as if Brian were standing beside him whispering all the bad things he was going to do to him. It made him edgy and nervous and a little bit hard. He could feel Brian inside him again, and it made him hornier than he had been in ages. He was so turned on he was sweating, he couldn’t think, his mouth was dry, and his face was flushed a not so subtle shade of red. Everyone assumed it was from the diner being so busy. As he poured coffee for Ben, Deb came over, patted the sides of his face and told him to take his jacket off.

“You’re all flushed Sunshine, Take that fleece shit off and cool down. Do you need to go out for some air?”

Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and licked them when they rolled back out. The right side of his mouth was twitching into a small victorious smile before he went back to talking to Michael.

Justin realized he was very much screwed.  
_______________

He left the diner around 4. Ethan might still be at practice but Justin had no wish to go home. He walked aimlessly, noting the chill in the air. He suddenly realized it was October. It stunned him how quickly the summer had passed. He had left Brian six months ago. One half of one year. It was a long time. The fact that they had remained apart for all of these months was either a testament to Justin’s willpower or to how good a person Ethan really was. Justin did love him; it just wasn’t as much as he loved Brian. All the violin serenades in the world couldn’t change that. It was a shame, really.

The past six months had been nice; he had relaxed and felt comfortable and safe. But…he was done with that now. He just needed to find a way to leave Ethan.

He looked at the ring on his hand and remembered how happy he'd been when it had been given it to him. How moving it was, how open and exciting it had been. But looking at it now, he felt shame. It was as if it had become his personal scarlet letter overnight. He had taken it knowing they weren’t going to be together forever, but he had needed it at the time. He had needed to believe that he could change, that he would become the person that Ethan believed he was. He had thought he might eventually grow to love Ethan as much as Ethan loved him. He had been reading a lot of Zola at school that year and the obnoxious art student voice in his head whispered that maybe he was experiencing a form of crystallization first hand. At that moment Ethan was the one more in love, but, maybe, in a year or so, he might be more in love with Ethan than Ethan was with him. It was possible; after all, it had been true with Brian. At the start of that relationship he had been the one more in love. At the end of it, although no one else would believe him, Brian had loved him more. Justin had come to the conclusion that this was the nature of relationships. One person was always a little more in love than the other, except for those few perfect moments scattered in between. He and Ethan had never had one of those perfect times. It was really fucked up.

He pulled the ring off his finger. It felt heavy in his hand, like a burden he had carried alone for too long. His hand stretched and he felt the phantom traces of the ring around his finger, it would fade away eventually. He just had to give it time. Putting the silver band in his pocket he made a decision and began to head towards the apartment. He needed to face reality. He could only play house for so long before he would lash out at his keeper. And he didn’t want to do that to Ethan. He didn’t deserve it. It was time to pick up his toys and go home. He just wasn’t sure how to get there.  
___________

He walked into the apartment and instantly wished he'd just run away. The lights were dimmed and lit candles were scattered over every flat surface in the place. There were rose petals on the floor forming a fucking path to the living room, where yet another indoor picnic was set up.

Ethan was lying on his back on the floor. His hand was stretched up above him and Justin thought he was looking at his ring. The phone was sitting next to him.

“What’s all this?”

“It’s 7:30, where have you been?” Ethan asked.

“I was working and then I took a walk. Why? What’s up? Did something happen at practice?”

“Fuck this Justin,” Ethan said quietly as he turned to look at Justin, “fuck you.”

“What?”

“I had a really great day today. I met with a manager who seems to agree with me that a classical musician’s sexuality doesn’t affect his career. We had a good laugh over that actually.”

“Ethan, wha-”

“I’m going to sign with him when my current contract expires," Ethan interrupted. "But I guess it doesn’t really matter who I sign with now. Does it?” Ethan rolled himself up from the floor and stood, his hands nervously rubbing themselves together.

Justin stood still and stayed silent.

“Did you fuck him? Have you been fucking him the whole time?”

“Who? What are you talking about?”

“Who the fuck do you think I’m talking about Justin?”

“I don’t know wh-”

“I got an interesting phone call from a friend of mine; I hear I missed quite a show last night.”

Shit…Shit.Shit.Shit. Justin felt the world shift and answered quickly, without pausing.

“We were dancing, he kissed me, and I left. There was no show, he was drunk and he just wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking.”

He thought he sounded like a liar.

Ethan drew in a sharp breath.

“You weren’t thinking.”

For several moments Justin watched as wheels turned in Ethan’s head. The musician was completely still, his eyes wide with emotion. Ethan let the tension out of his body and ran his hand over his mouth. He walked over to Justin and reached out to take the artist’s hands into his own. Looking him directly in the eye he asked, “Has this happened before?”

“No.”

“And you didn’t sleep with him?”

“I didn’t sleep with him.”

He ran his left hand over Justin’s forehead, brushing the hair gently from his blue eyes, his finger ran a trail down Justin’s cheek ending when he held Justin’s chin in his hand.

“Promise me it will never happen again.”

But Justin couldn’t.


	3. The Artful Dodger

Two hours later Justin was standing at Brian’s door with his duffle bag. “I need a place to crash,” he said and Brian let him in without a word.

It was dark in the loft, smoke wafted through the air and Justin inhaled deeply. He had missed the smell of home.

The TV was on, causing shadows to jump around the room with every scene change. Brian flipped on a light before grabbing the remote and shutting it off. Silence wrapped around them, holding them for a moment, keeping them safe from each other. Brian looked up at him and took a deep breath. Justin waited for him to speak, but he didn’t.

“I’m not disturbing you, am I?” He asked.

Brian shook his head no.

“You weren’t on your way out or anything?”

Brian raised his arms out to his sides and looked down at himself before looking back at Justin with a raised eyebrow. He was only wearing his black sweat pants. It was ridiculous to assume he would have been doing anything other than working out, but his feet were bare so that didn’t fit either.

“Are you expecting company?”

“No.” It was a gruff, almost angry reply.

“Just having a quiet evening at home?”

Brian rolled his eyes at him and walked over to the kitchen.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asked, peering into the mostly empty refrigerator.

“No.”

Brian’s back tensed up at the answer, as if Justin’s refusal of something to drink had been a way to make this harder. He leaned into the fridge door, his arm reaching into it, his hand resting on the shelf before pulling himself up and away from it empty handed.

He turned and leaned against the island as the refrigerator closed with a gentle thud.

“Why are you here Justin?”

“Daphne’s out of town.”

Brian looked up at him, his face bemused by the dodge.

“And?”

“And I didn’t want to go to my mom’s or Deb’s.”

Brian shot him a look that said he wasn’t amused any longer.

“I left Ethan,” he said as he walked over to the couch. He put his bag down on the floor and slowly lowered himself onto the cushions as exhaustion washed over him. He was so tired and it was nice to sit on something so nice, he thought. It was nice to have something that didn’t wobble when sat upon. He closed his eyes and sunk deeper into the sofa.  
_________________

When he opened his eyes again Brian was at his computer. Justin couldn’t decide how much time had passed. He yawned and stretched.

“Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty.”

He turned and met Brian’s eyes. He was ready to do this now. Maybe.

“Are you going to tell me what happened or are you just going to fucking drool on my couch for the rest of the night?”

“Someone told Ethan about what happened last night.”

Brian stared at him blankly, and Justin wondered for a moment if Brian even remembered.

“Someone told him that we kissed,” he continued.

“So?” Brian asked.

“So? So he freaked out!”

“Why?”

“Because we kissed.”

“Yeah, but it didn’t mean anything.” Brian said it so casually, so easily that Justin wondered if he'd made yet another mistake. 

“I know,” Justin said, looking down at his bag. Maybe he could go to Mel and Linds’ place. If it were too late for that he might be able to crash with Ted and Emmett.

“So did you tell him that?” Brian asked, leaning back in his chair, arms folded behind his head.

Justin didn’t say a word. Brian was looking at him as if he was a puzzle and Brian couldn’t find the last piece to make the whole thing come together. But then his focus was back on his monitor as it flickered out. Apparently Brian was shutting down.

“I told him we were drunk.”

Brian nodded as he stood up and began walking towards the couch. Once he was seated he made a face and Justin knew Brian was about to say something stupid or mean, so he stretched his right leg out and lightly kicked him. Brian caught Justin’s foot with his hand and squeezed it. Justin didn’t pull it back and Brian didn’t let go.

“I told him we weren’t thinking.”

“And he didn’t believe you?”

“I think he did actually.”

“So, what’s with you leaving? Force of habit?”

“Fuck you,” Justin said softly.

Brian looked down at the foot in his hand for a moment and began to lightly rub it. When he looked back up at Justin, he shrugged and smiled his _So I’m an asshole, what’s new?_ smile before continuing on, “What happened?”

“He wanted me to promise him something.”

“What?”

Justin looked at him and knew that he couldn’t tell him. Not yet. There were things that he needed to know.

“Why did you kiss me last night?”

Brian didn’t even bat an eye. “I was drunk.”

“Brian, why did you kiss me?”

Brian rolled his eyes and then stared at the foot still being rubbed in his lap.

“I wasn’t thinking. No, _we_ weren’t thinking.”

“Brian, wh-”

Brian’s head snapped up and his whole body went rigid. He was pissed, his eyes locked onto Justin’s with a fire that had been absent for quite some time.

“Jesus, Justin. It just happened, who the fuck knows why. Why’d you let me?”

Justin sat forward and looked at Brian for a moment, wondering if this was the right time for this, wondering if it would be smarter to wait for a better situation. With a quick ‘Fuck it’ running through his mind, he dove in anyway.

“Because I missed you. And-“

“Justin, don-”

“I left Ethan and came here tonight because I still love you.”

Silence surrounded them again. It seemed that all the words in the world were momentarily lost.

“Fuck this Justin.” Brian spoke carefully as he knocked Justin's feet off his lap and stood up. “This is bullshit.”

“What is?”

Brian’s face showed how incredulous he found the question to be.

“You love me. You love him. Bullshit! It’s doesn’t mean anything!” Brian’s voice was harsh and loud, louder than it needed to be for such a small space. Justin watched as Brian realized what he was showing and suddenly the man's emotions were being reined in with startling speed. Justin saw the detachment clamping down around Brian like a suit of armor. When Brian spoke again, his words were quiet and calm. “I don’t need this, Justin. I don’t need you showing up here in the middle of the night and laying this on me. Go back to your boyfriend.”

“That’s what I’m doing.”

“No.” It was final, a death knell ringing through the loft.

Justin stood up from the couch. “Fine, it was a stupid idea anyway,” he said as he slipped his feet back into his sneakers, grabbed his bag, and headed for the door.

He was two steps away from it when Brian grabbed his arm and spun him back to face him.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Brian's voice was angry but there was a slight tinge of exhaustion, as if he were tired of the words, as if they had been saying these same lines for years.

Well, Justin was tired of it too. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Leaving. Again. Two in one night though, that’s a personal best.”

“What the fuck Brian? You just told me to fuck off.” He was yelling now, exhausted from their games, sick of being made to feel guilty over something that wasn’t entirely his fault.

“Where are you gonna go? It’s two in the morning.”

“I can take care of myself.”

Brian lifted an eyebrow at him. “Try again.”

“Fuck you. I’m gonna go to a hotel.”

The eyebrow rose even higher. “And how are you going to do that?” he asked, leaning into Justin. “I bet you don’t have more than five dollars on you.”

Justin knew that he had enough quarters in his bag to do two loads of laundry, which was roughly three dollars and fifty cents. He couldn’t go anywhere. His life was one big cosmic joke. He watched Brian watching him with a mixed look of anger and concern on his face, as if Justin would bolt at any moment and Brian was going to kill him when he did.

“Wanna loan me fifty bucks?” Justin asked the question dryly, but his eyes were beginning to sparkle with mirth and his mouth was spreading into a mischievous grin. Without being fully aware of what he was doing he reached out and gently tapped Brian’s stomach with the back of his hand. "I promise to pay you back."

The roll of Brian's eyes was all the answer Justin was going to get.

He stepped closer to Brian, “Guess you’re stuck with me then,” he said as he let his bag drop from his arm to the hardwood floor

Brian grabbed Justin's bag off the floor. “Well aren’t I just the luckiest fag in Pittsburgh,” he said before turning into the kitchen and dropping it on the counter.

Justin wasn’t sure exactly how to take that. But he was still in the loft, and it had been Brian who’d kept him there.

And that was something.


	4. The Untold Want

When Justin began walking towards the door, Brian realized that kissing him again had been his downfall. Because it wasn’t just a kiss, it was a return, a reunion, a sealing of fates. A life changing, catafuckingclysmic event. And he couldn’t change it now, wouldn’t change it if he had the chance to. Watching the younger man stride towards the door, Brian knew with every fiber of his being that he wasn’t going to let Justin walk out again.

And it was all because of that fucking kiss.

Before it, he would have been able to go on living his life without Justin. It would have been annoying, but he would have carried on and, eventually, their relationship that wasn’t a relationship would have become a memory, a funny anecdote for him and his friends to laugh about over breakfast. Yes, Justin had left him for that fucking violin playing twat, but he had been dealing with it just fine, thank you very much.

That kiss, though, that reminder of what was no longer his, had made the loss unbearable.

When Brian had come stumbling home from Babylon the previous night, the loft had seemed abandoned. It was like walking in and discovering Justin had moved out all over again. The open space around him seemed vast, and the stylish décor was too cold; all of his beautiful things had turned ugly. In fact, everything in his apartment appeared to be mocking him. Instead of seeing all the things that he had, he could only see what was missing. The coffee table free of used dishes and soda cans, the dining table that was no longer covered in sketches, the empty refrigerator, the single toothbrush in the bathroom, the lack of sneakers kicked off on the floor, even the water marks on top of the dresser, which were faint reminders of the glasses of water Justin used to sit upon it before bed, demanded that he finally pay attention to what he had lost. It was more than he was comfortable admitting to.

He had sat on the edge of his bed drinking Beam and smoking cigarettes as if he would never be able to consume them again. He was sweating and tired and angry and sad and he had no one to turn to. He was alone and he was lonely and that was really fucking aggravating. The bottle in his hand was the only positive thing in his life.

His lungs felt tired and strained but he continued to smoke, each drag burning sharply at his insides. He imagined that he could feel tumors forming inside him, a sickness spreading that he would eventually succumb to. As he stubbed out the cigarette, he felt in his bones that he would die from this habit. He was, after all, just like his father.

Taking the bottle with him, he began roaming the loft, wandering in one direction before turning suddenly to the next, picking up objects as he came across them. As he held them he wondered what their value really was, if he would miss them if they suddenly disappeared. Eventually, he found himself digging out the portrait Justin had drawn of him way back when. He held it stretched out in front of him and stared at it. It was nothing more than a beautiful mirage etched on paper or, quite possibly, a blatant lie. He had never been the man they had all thought he was. But had he ever, even for just a moment, been who Justin had wanted? Brian decided the answer was no. The man in the portrait had never existed at all. He was a myth, grown to heroic proportions in the eyes of a love-struck boy.

He clumsily hurled the portrait and cursed it when it shattered on the floor. For a moment he felt a sense of triumph, as if he had finally broken free from a trap he had been caught in for years. And then there was nothing but pain and remorse and a sense that he had lost more than he could ever have possibly gained in a lifetime. He came to his knees as the reality of the situation finally hit him and, for the first time since the bashing, he cried over Justin. Or maybe he was crying over both of them; over how fucked up his life was, over how fucked up Justin’s life had become since they’d met. Or maybe he was crying because he was drunk and high. It didn’t matter, it was nauseating all the same.

The tears had become hot and angry and he fought to keep down the bile that threatened to rise in his throat. He needed to brush his teeth, the taste of alcohol and cigarettes were only encouraging his need to vomit. He took several deep breaths and tried to calm down. He was already a fool for crying. Puking would only humiliate him further. He refused to allow that. He inhaled and exhaled the way Lindsay had learned while she was pregnant. He remembered making fun of the heavy breathing, and thought she would be deeply pleased to see him reduced to this. But it was helping, his head was clearing and his pulse was beginning to slow. He kept breathing steadily until sleep overtook him.

When he came to the next day, his mouth was thick with the taste of stale cigarettes and his head was throbbing. Rising, he noticed the broken glass and a small puddle of Beam on the hardwood floor. It was not one of his finer mornings.

He showered and then tried to quiet his head with coffee. About half way through the cup, an image flashed in his mind of Justin’s face as he had walked away. With the clarity of sobriety he was able to remember a very important fact. Justin had wanted to come home with him. He felt infinitely better.

But when Justin had showed up on his doorstep a couple of hours ago, he was a bit taken aback. He’d thought it would have taken a little longer. The sight of the duffle bag hanging off Justin’s shoulder didn’t help the situation either. That thing meant trouble, it always had. Still he hadn’t meant to antagonize the kid. It’s just that after Justin fell asleep, he’d had a lot of time to think about their situation. And it had kind of pissed him off when realized that Justin might have left Ethan over one fucking kiss. 

Because what did that say about Justin?

He had always been too emotional, too captivated by ideas of what romance and love were supposed to be. Once he had met the violinist, Brian had gone from being God to being nothing in what felt like the blink of an eye. He guessed that Ethan had just taken a similar plunge. It almost made him feel for him. It definitely made the young man sleeping on his couch seem like less of a prize.

By the time Justin had woken up, Brian had already decided that he had been fooling himself into thinking he'd missed him. If he wanted to fuck, Brian was fine with that, but he was drawing the line this time. There wasn’t going to be any bullshit relationship talk.

Of course that was exactly where the conversation had gone. He was feeling pretty confident about his deflection skills when the little shit had broken out the big guns and declared his love. Well, Brian had thought, what the fuck was that worth? Yesterday morning Justin had been in love with someone else. He was capricious, and not to be trusted. The smartest thing was to get rid of him once and for all.

But when Justin had picked his bag up, there was only one thought running through Brian’s mind, _What the fuck am I doing?_

He eyed Justin as the blond took his first steps towards the door, waiting for him to turn around. When that didn’t happen it dawned on him that Justin was actually serious about leaving. If he wanted Justin to stay, he was going to have to stop him.

Before he could second guess himself he'd crossed the room and grabbed Justin's arm, but he had no fucking clue what to do next.

___________

They began speaking again, but the words made no sense. Justin wanted to go to a hotel, but Brian couldn’t let that happen. If Justin walked out the door it was all over. Desperate words ran through his mind over and over, _Tell him to stay. Just tell him to stay._

He was about to open his traitorous mouth and do just that when Justin asked for a loan and tapped his knuckles against Brian’s stomach. It was almost too mundane a gesture to be so full of meaning, but he was pretty sure Justin was throwing him a life raft.

Justin stepped closer to Brian. “Guess you’re stuck with me then,” he said as he let his bag drop from his arm to the hardwood floor.

Brian exhaled as the bag fell. If the bag was staying the kid was too.

He snatched it off the floor. “Well aren’t I just the luckiest fag in Pittsburgh.”

He turned away quickly, not wanting Justin to think that this meant more than it did. He didn’t know how to fix or save them. He was unsure of himself, unsure of the people they had become while apart. It was annoying and unfamiliar. He hated feeling so fucking unbalanced. He dropped the bag on kitchen counter and grabbed a cigarette from an already opened pack. It was the last one, the one Emmet always called the wish cigarette. He sat on the end stool, lit up, inhaled deeply, and felt the sharp sting in his lungs. He swung his body around so he could look back at Justin.

“Where’s your computer?” he asked, surprised as the words tumbled out. He guessed that Justin was surprised too, as it took him a moment to answer.

“It’s still at Ethan’s. I couldn’t carry it,” he said with a shrug.

Brian nodded. Still, the fucking fiddler was probably out at that moment pawning it off for a new bow. Integrity tended to fly out the window when someone’s heart was breaking. And Brian was sure that Ethan’s had broken pretty badly.

“We’ll take care of that tomorrow,” Brian said.

Justin rolled his eyes a little. “It’s fine Brian. He’s not going to smash it up or anything.”

“What else is left there?”

“School stuff mostly, clothes, a couple of CD’s and some DVD’s. Nothing major.”

“We’ll get some boxes in the morning and then we’ll go get the rest.”

“You don’t have to help me.”

Brian inhaled another drag and thought for a moment. He didn’t have to, but there was no way in hell he was letting Justin go alone.

“It’s not a problem.”

Justin looked nervous now. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and Brian watched the slow shuffle of Justin’s foot as it brushed back and forth over the floor. “I’ll be good,” Brian offered with a wry grin.

Justin looked over at him and smiled a little. “I know,” he said as he walked towards him. He reached out his hand and Brian passed him the cigarette. Justin took a long drag and looked down at the floor before he began speaking. “I wasn’t happy there Brian. I never really loved him.”

The words came out in puffs of smoke that drifted up into the air before finally dissipating. Brian pursed his lips, “You weren’t happy here either, though."

Justin’s head popped up at that. “Sometimes I was. Sometimes you made me really happy.”

Brian wondered why that was enough for Justin to come back to. He noticed that Justin was staring at him, trying to read him. He’d been pretty good at that once. He reached for the cigarette and picked up a small glass ashtray as he rose from the stool. “Sometimes isn’t a whole hell of a lot,” Brian said quietly. “What makes you think it would be any different?”

Justin handed him the cigarette. “I’m not the same person I was back then. I know what I want now.”

Brian took a drag, letting the burn take him for a moment. He exhaled and slowly walked over to the window. It was late, but there were lights on in most of the windows across the street. The city was still awake, cars kept rolling down the street, a handful of people were walking on the sidewalk, and somewhere off in the distance a siren screamed out its warning. It didn’t feel right that so much was going on out there, it should have been quieter. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow all of the people, he wanted the cars to stop coming. Nothing outside acknowledged what was happening here. None of those assholes seemed to understand that they should have been silent, waiting breathlessly to see what would happen. 

He shifted his focus so he could observe Justin’s reflection in the glass. He had moved from the counter to just behind the couch. Brian hadn’t even been aware of the footsteps. “What about what I want?” he asked.

Justin shrugged. “I know what to expect from you Brian and I know what you expect from me. I’m not coming into this blind.”

For some reason the answer stung. Brian wasn’t about to contradict him though. “Oh,” was all he could muster.

Justin was seeking his eyes in the window, but Brian dropped his gaze. “It’s enough Brian. For me it’s enough.”

Brian stubbed out the cigarette, watching as the ashes glowed brighter just before they turned black. He rested the ashtray on top of the end table beside him and wiped his hands on his sweatpants as he turned towards Justin. “I’m not sure it really is,” he said.

Justin took a tentative step towards him and shook his head. “Brian,” he began, his mouth hanging slightly open as if he could honestly argue the point.

Brian swallowed hard and then spoke before he lost his courage, “I want you to promise me something.” The words felt strange in his mouth, and his stomach fluttered at the hypocrisy.

Justin’s eyes narrowed. “What?” he asked.

Jesus, could he even ask this without embarrassing himself? He thought that maybe he should just let it go. His mouth was hanging open and he was sure that he looked like an ass. Justin was staring at him warily and his mind reeled to find something else Justin could promise him or a flippant comment that could put him out of his misery. There was nothing else though, and truth be told, he wanted him to do this. He wanted Justin to give his word and stick to it. Hell, Justin might even be thrilled that he asked him to. He’d take it as a sign that Brian had missed him or that Brian thought their relationship meant something, which, maybe, sometimes, he sort of did. He swallowed his pride and went for it. “Don’t do that lying shit again. Not ever.”

Justin looked pained for a moment, but then his face softened and his eyes opened up. “I promise.”

Brian gently nodded but neither of them moved from where they stood. Justin’s voice was tentative when he finally spoke, “Um, Brian?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we okay now? ‘Cause if we are, you should really fuck me.”

Brian exhaled dramatically as Justin took a step towards him. “Not even back for a minute and you’re already telling me what to do.”

Justin smiled. “Well, we don’t have to fuck if you don’t wan-“

“Get your ass in that bed, Sunshine.”

_______________

 

The room was lowly lit by the blue lights over the bed, and Brian watched as Justin slowly walked ahead of him, pulling his clothing off as he went.

A shirt flew back and smacked him in the chest, and Brian felt a surprising thrill run through him, as if Justin were something forbidden he had gained access to.

Justin was smiling as he pulled off his jeans and underwear. He kicked his ankles free before crawling onto the mattress and flipping himself onto his back. Brian stood at the foot of the bed and smiled as Justin started to lightly stroke his own cock. 

He pulled his sweats off lazily and slid slowly on top of him, causing Justin to moan. The younger man's hands trailed up his sides, gently tickling as they brushed up and down. Brian let his fingers wind through blond hair and then touched his forehead to Justin’s.

Justin smiled, and Brian felt a shiver run through the body beneath him. He pulled his head up and smiled too. Justin brought his hand up to Brian’s face and traced a finger across his mouth as he whispered, “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” He brushed his lips against Justin's as he tugged lightly on a chunk of hair. “Your hair got long,” he said, his voice husky.

Justin laughed a little at that. “Hmm, I was too poor to get a hair cut.”

Brian smiled. “I like it,” he said as he slowly lowered his mouth again. His lips were gentle, lightly brushing against Justin’s before becoming more demanding. His tongue suddenly raced for entry and darted into the space it had been denied for so long. Justin was reaching up to meet him, his mouth open and his hands pulling Brian’s head more firmly against him. The kiss was sloppy and frantic, and Brian found he didn’t really give a shit about technique at the moment.

Brian pulled his mouth away and began to litter kisses down Justin’s throat. He paused at his clavicle, and licked at the indentation before trailing a path to Justin’s nipple. His tongue swirled around it slowly before he quickly sucked it into his mouth and lightly bit down. After a moment, he let the nipple slip from between his teeth and blew cool air over it. Justin arched his back and gasped as his fingers tangled into dark hair. At the sound, Brian felt his dick get hard as a surge of possessiveness coursed through him. He wanted to erase the memory of Ethan from Justin’s body, he wanted to erase the memory of Ethan from both of their minds. There was no doubt that he could do one more easily than the other.

He let his fingers wander over Justin’s stomach, as he kissed and licked his way up Justin’s chest. When his lips reached the spot where Justin’s shoulder sloped up into his neck, Brian sucked the skin into his mouth, his teeth grazing the flesh as it rested between his lips. He wanted to make a mark, he wanted Ethan to see it in the morning and know that he had been nothing more than a stand in. He wanted him to fully understand that Justin had come back to where he belonged.

Justin’s hands pushed his head back a bit and Brian released the flesh from his mouth. He watched as a deep purple mark spread out over pale skin, and he felt ashamed that he had marred it, ashamed that he had wanted to prove anything to anyone. His finger traced the edges as Justin whispered, “It’s okay, Brian.”

Brian leaned down and kissed the spot, before he brought his lips back to Justin’s. His hand was still busy as it wandered lower and lower on Justin’s torso. His fingers dipped just below Justin’s belly button, lightly brushing over fair hair before skimming back up. Brian felt a sense of power as Justin started murmuring pleas against his mouth for him to go further.

At the moment though, Brian just wanted to keep touching him. Justin was as warm and smooth and perfect as he had always been, but it seemed extraordinary to Brian that it was actually true. He was relieved that he hadn’t built Justin up in his mind while they were apart. Justin was still Justin- his memory hadn’t exaggerated anything at all. He pulled his mouth away and began to lift himself up to a sitting position. Justin’s hands slipped from Brian’s shoulders and his fingernails trailed down Brian’s chest before they finally rested on his own stomach. Brian looked down at Justin and noted his swollen mouth and heavy lidded eyes. Justin was aroused but it wasn’t enough. He wanted him panting and begging for him, he wanted him raw and desperate.

Justin’s licked the palm of his own hand and then reached out and brushed over Brian’s inner thigh before slowly skimming over to his dick. Brian inhaled sharply when pale fingers wrapped firmly around him and began pumping slowly.

It was too much, Brian would be the desperate one if Justin kept going. He reached down and stilled Justin’s hand. Grasping one slender wrist he reached for the other and pulled both of them up over Justin’s head as he pressed his chest down towards Justin’s.

When he had settled, Justin nodded his chin up and kissed Brian gently. He released Justin’s wrists and twined their fingers together.

Justin was wantonly grinding against him, his legs had wrapped themselves around Brian, trapping him in place. Something was tugging at Brian’s heart. If he didn’t know better he would almost say he was happy.

Justin bit his lower lip and then whispered, “Fuck me Brian.”

Brian couldn’t imagine hearing a better idea again in his life. He untangled himself from Justin as he reached out to his nightstand and grabbed a condom. Justin snatched it from his fingers, tore off the wrapper, and slowly slid it over Brian’s cock. Brian grabbed a bottle of lube and squeezed some into his hands before quickly moving to position himself between Justin’s legs. He slid one slick finger in and then another, scissoring them to stretch Justin into readiness. Brian slid in a thrid and watched as Justin's head fell back, his mouth rounding as he cursed softly. With his free hand, Brian slicked some lube onto his cock and then helped Justin lift his legs, resting those pale calves against Brian’s shoulders. Brian thanked a god he didn't believe in that Justin was so flexible, and then he wasn’t thinking anything at all as he slowly sank in. It was better than he had remembered. 

He sought Justin’s mouth as he kept the rest of his body still, letting Justin adjust as he filled him. It felt so good to be back inside him. Justin ran his hands over Brian’s arms lightly and then playfully tweaked at the man's nipple. "Fuck me already," he teased. Brian clasped his wrists and yanked them over Justin’s head as he thrust deeply inside him. He swallowed Justin’s sudden cry with his mouth and felt teeth biting into his lower lip as Justin brought his hips up to meet his next stroke. Brian felt like he had never been so perfect before and that Justin had never been as incredible as he was right then. They were perfectly matched here, perfectly suited in every way.

Justin pulled his lips away from Brian’s and his neck arched back as a shout rang from his mouth. Justin was struggling to bring his arms down but Brian held them firmly. He pushed them together until he was able to hold both of Justin’s hands under one of his own. He felt Justin try to escape his grasp and he whispered, “Don’t.” When Justin nodded and relaxed his arms, Brian trailed his free hand down the side of Justin’s face and neck, before slipping down the center of Justin’s body and finally lightly grazing over Justin’s cock. His thumb circled the head, spreading the fluid he found there before he slowly started jerking Justin off. Justin was breathing heavily and his body was becoming slick with sweat. He arched into Brian’s hand and gave in to the sensation. Brian felt Justin’s body shake, and he gripped Justin’s hands tighter as they began to resist him once again. He thrust hard and felt Justin’s cum against his body.

When Justin stilled, Brian began thrusting more erratically, his hand still holding Justin’s in place. The blond looked up at Brian and smirked as Brian felt muscles squeezing tightly around his dick. He came much sooner than he had planned to.

He released Justin’s hands and collapsed against him. He felt hot air puffing against his neck as Justin’s arms and legs wrapped around him. It felt so incredibly real and solid that the panic he felt was unexpected. Brian squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, Justin was still there. This time he hadn’t imagined it.

Relief ran through him as he pressed his lips to Justin’s forehead. He slowly rolled out of the embrace and sat up. The air felt cold against his chest as he took the condom off and tossed it to the waste basket. He wiped himself off with a towel and then did the same for Justin before returning to bed. Lying back, he waited for the blond to move closer. Justin rolled towards him and rested his head on top of Brian’s chest, his fingers lightly trailing over Brian’s heart. Brian arranged the duvet around them before tightening his own arms around the younger man.

They were quiet for a long time.

Brian couldn’t stop thinking about how long it had been since they’d last been like this and he realized he regretted the amount of time they had spent apart. If he had been a man and told Justin he hadn’t wanted him to go, the last six months would have been very different. They had missed out on a lot of great fucking because he'd been too much of a pussy. Things would have to change if he didn’t want to regret anything else.

He spoke quietly, but quickly. “I noticed.”

“Noticed what?” Justin asked with a yawn.

Brian's body tensed. He thought Justin would remember, he didn’t think he’d have to explain. He wouldn’t have said anything at all if there was going to be a fucking discussion about it.

“Brian?”

He continued, hoping that it would be enough. “I noticed you weren’t here.”

“How very perceptive of you.”

“No, I mean…you asked me once if…ah, fuck it.” He wasn’t cut out for this shit, he hated this shit.

Justin’s hand stilled as he lifted his head up to look at him. Brian saw that he looked sleepy and sated and honestly confused. He leaned in and kissed him gently, but Justin didn’t want to be distracted.

“What did you mean, Brian?”

Brian closed his eyes and just spoke. “I meant that I missed you.”

Justin was quiet.

“Only a little though,” Brian tacked on before opening his eyes again.

Justin nodded as he somewhat mockingly said, “Of course.” Then he began to quietly laugh. “You’re such an asshole,” he whispered.

Brian smiled at him. “I know,” he whispered back.

Justin smiled back before he rested his head back down and placed a light kiss on Brian’s chest. Brian kissed the top of Justin’s head in return and then they drifted off to sleep.


End file.
